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How do I turn the lights off in a dark room?

by Avalina

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1.
The hands on the clock face float on by Time without substance, meaning or purpose Eyes wide open at the ungodly hours of the morn With the street light through the blinds on her lips No sound of cars, no drunks trudging by The sky is clear and it hasn't rained in days No messenger, no saviour, no discord, no failure Brighton is never this stagnant. Pre-trip nausea, she goes downstairs Her roommate is rolling on the kitchen counter Lemon haze bound in Asiatic cotton mallow Quality stuff, he says while misgendering her before licking the cellophane Though not with intent No wonder the kitchen smells of citric piss The city is immobile, lifeless and docile Less bite than a kid with a broken jaw She puts on her coat and stands on the deck Eyes drawn to the grid of red lights looming over the ocean Lights up a Sterling and despises the peppermint Spoiling the taste of her 4am coffee. Time dilation, this pocket of being Timescale differs by an order of magnitude Ensnaring the house that's half empty yet over capacity Like five monkeys caged in a cell fit for two Buried in a mountain of introspection She's in the deep end of the search for existence The lust for meaning and a lust for freedom She's done it all before, walked the same walk and cried the same night Trapped, a prisoner of her cycles, lost in Samsara Endlessly repeating the same tired feelings Endlessly repeating the same weary emotions Endless, breathing Endless. Brighton fades into nothingness. All end, floating and meaningless. Absence of space, absence of being. Tightly folded excuses to mean something when you can just sit back and exist. Feel nothing and everything, arms free and drifting. The lights speed past her head. Vibrant pinks, neon blues, lime greens, iridescent yellows—that was the come up. She sits back on the deck and lingers, she simply exists. The disconnect from call + form. Devoid of all place and purpose. Liberation, isolation, there is no conquest for space. Determination vanishes, urgency dissipates, an amoeba operating in a vacuum. No fear of tomorrow and no resent for yesterday, today isn't a concept. The deadlines cease to exist and thoughts become air. Liminal spaces, absence of want and need, is this what peace feels like? Nothing here makes sense, and that's alright. It's not that deep still. Because she couldn't be dealing with that, not tonight.
2.
You were the one that time forgot, In this hideous visage of a land that rejects you and I for who we are. A vista of misgivings and repeated mistakes, How do we stand brave against those who despise us? With the wind howling and the song repeating, Beating us down into the grave they made for us. Though I thought I knew better, Than to live life with your face in my mirror, and your skin clinging to my shoulders. Though I could've had it worse, For I could hate you as a person, but I don't. For your eyes are my own, And my voice echoes the same words as yours. You see the world from my shoes, And I feel the world from your fingers, with the passage of time dragging you with me. So come down, come on down and listen, Hear your voice ring through the air and sing into the rising sun of the Wednesday. Come down and find me in our bed and rest.
3.
We are a pair of stars, floating in the endless, breathing void Vibrant and sparse streaks of purple and blue ascending upwards, upwards and upwards Until they curve around at the peak and begin their descent into the convergence like a rollercoaster Only to come back around once again for the great ascent Each streak of strobing light is a spiraling tunnel, shifting in constant motion in a loop Each of the infinite tunnels is a living, breathing entity conforming to the passage of time And here we are, two singular points on an infinite line Climbing upwards into our downfall with no going back Even if we cease to move, even if we opt to fight, the ocean pulls us up by the collars of our shirts But that does not mean we cannot stick together. That we cannot be pulled apart. We can fight the lateral flow and remain a constant.
4.
I stand there naked in your shadow in the darkened room Your face as clear as day in the mirror As dust circulates around the air, clumps filling up in my throat And the mycelium bears fruit beneath the broken floorboards You stand unmoving, unwavering, unrelenting A force so stagnant, an ember that does not flicker It is not for me to want you gone, for your face is the burden I must bear Bare naked and resisting the urge to wretch And with a deep, painful breath I turn around To blow out the candle whose light couldn't bear its teeth.
5.
Birdsong 06:20
It was a swirling voice Dancing through the air from the earth Getting lost and tossed aside in the noise Fragments of a song that yearned to be heard Like gravel scattered by the waves without any choice Or the desperate and deprived chirping of a bird In the middle of the winter Sun piercing through the night sky The duvet is burning, ablaze like the northern star, I begin to sinter Eyes locked wide in a pool of sweat, wondering why Night after night, oh the sleepless night, time refuses to crack and splinter And the wind howls, running its claws down the window pane, beckoning me to approach I throw wide the window and gaze into the street light Jesus flickers before me, arms out and offering In one hand a rope, soaring high through the clouds to the heavens And in the other is a key to a lock that is unknown to me My eyes trace the rope up to the sky, the escape would be quick and painless But instead I take the key that opens neither here nor there.

about

A self-reflection in a queerly lit mirror.

credits

released January 1, 2022

Avalina - Classical guitar, acoustic guitar, electric guitar, piano, double bass, field recordings, drum programming, FM synths, ANS, vocals, cover art
Quetzal - Bass clarinet
Cody - Mixing, mastering
Jay - Cover photo
Emil - Pipe factory recording on track 3

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about

Avalina Manchester, UK

experiencing the deposit of faith. avalina, aka absolute notion, aka one limb of bestial vanguard sextet, fka meanwhile. guitarist, vocalist, songwriter, oscillator of bad frequencies.

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